13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

13 Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics November 01, 2019 More in Addiction Alcohol Use Children of Alcoholics Binge Drinking Withdrawal and Relapse Drunk Driving Addictive Behaviors Drug Use Nicotine Use Coping and Recovery If you grew up in an alcoholic home, youre probably familiar with the feeling of never knowing what to expect from one day to the next. When one or both parents struggle with addiction, the home environment is predictably unpredictable. Argument, inconsistency, unreliability, and chaos tend to run rampant. Children of alcoholics dont get many of their emotional needs met due to these challenges, often leading to skewed behaviors and difficulties in properly caring for themselves and their feelings later in life.??   If you were never given the attention and emotional support you needed during a key developmental time in your youth and instead were preoccupied with the dysfunctional behavior of a parent, it may certainly be hard (or perhaps impossible) to know how to get your needs met as an adult. Furthermore, if you lacked positive foundational relationships, it may be difficult to develop healthy, trusting interpersonal relationships later on.??   Children of alcoholics often have to deny their feelings of sadness, fear, and anger in order to survive. And since unresolved feelings will always surface eventually, they often manifest during adulthood. The advantage to recognizing this is that youre an adult now and no longer a helpless child. You can face these issues and find resolution in a way you couldnt back then.?? Illustration by JR Bee, Verywell Lasting Effects Many children of alcoholics develop similar characteristics and personality traits. In her 1983 landmark book,  Adult Children of Alcoholics, the late Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D, outlined 13 of them.?? Dr. Jan, as she is known, was a best-selling author, lecturer, and counselor who was also married to an alcoholic. Based on her personal experience with alcoholism and its effect on her children, as well as her work with clients who were raised in dysfunctional families, she discovered that these common characteristics are prevalent not only in alcoholic families but also in those who grew up in families where there were other compulsive behaviors, such as gambling, drug abuse, or overeating, or where other dysfunctions occurred, such as the parents were chronically ill or held strict religious attitudes.?? She cited that adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) often:?? Guess at what normal behavior isHave difficulty following a project through from beginning to endLie when it would be just as easy to tell the truthJudge themselves without mercyHave difficulty having funTake themselves very seriouslyHave difficulty with intimate relationshipsOverreact to changes over which they have no controlConstantly seek approval and affirmationFeel that theyre different from other peopleAre super responsible or super irresponsibleAre extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeservedAre impulsiveâ€"They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess. Of course, if youre a child of an alcoholic, that doesnt mean that everything on this list will apply to you. But its likely that at least some of it will. The Laundry List Before Dr. Jans book was published, an adult child of an alcoholic, Tony A., published in 1978 what he called The Laundry List, another list of characteristics that can seem very familiar to those who grew up in dysfunctional homes.?? Tonys list has been adopted as part of the Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organizations official literature and is a basis for the article, The Problem, published on the groups website. According to Tonys list, many adult children of alcoholics can:?? Become isolatedFear people and authority figuresBecome approval seekersBe frightened of angry peopleBe terrified of personal criticismBecome alcoholics, marry them, or bothView life as a victimHave an overwhelming sense of responsibilityBe concerned more with others than themselvesFeel guilty when they stand up for themselvesBecome addicted to excitementConfuse love and pityLove people who need rescuingStuff their feelingsLose the ability to feelHave low self-esteemJudge themselves harshlyBecome terrified of abandonmentDo anything to hold on to a relationshipBecome para-alcoholics, people who take on the characteristics of the disease without drinkingBecome reactors instead of actors ACoAs and Relationships Many adult children of alcoholics lose themselves in their relationship with others, sometimes finding themselves attracted to alcoholics or other compulsive personalities, such as workaholics, who are emotionally unavailable.?? Adult children may also form relationships with others who need their help or need to be rescued, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. If they place the focus on the overwhelming needs of someone else, they dont have to look at their own difficulties and shortcomings.?? Often, adult children of alcoholics will take on the characteristics of alcoholics, even though theyve never picked up a drink: exhibiting denial, poor coping skills, poor problem solving, and forming dysfunctional relationships. Support If you identify with the  characteristics outlined in either Dr. Woititzs or Tony A.s book, you might want to take our Adult Children Screening Quiz to get an idea of how much you may have been affected by growing up as you did. Many adult children find that seeking  professional treatment or counseling for insight into their feelings, behaviors, and struggles helps them achieve greater awareness of how their childhood shaped who they are today. This is often overwhelming in the beginning, but it can help you learn how to express your needs and cope with conflict in new and constructive ways.??   Others have found help through mutual support groups such as Al-Anon Family Groups or Adult Children of Alcoholics. You can find a support group meeting in your area or online meetings for both Al-Anon and ACOA.